"On being calm and really observing"
by Helen Rubin
Introduction:
A few weeks ago I asked my dear friend and colleague to share one of her valuable blog posts. She was kind enough to offer this beautiful observation of a child in her care. Helen Rubin is a longtime early childhood specialist. She is educated in both the UK and the United States. Long before Helen studied the work of Magda Gerber and Dr. Emmi Pikler and attended RIE® Foundations training, Helen had a deep understanding of the importance of observation while working with the very young. It is a privilege to know her and to share her valuable work. Helen is an indispensable resource in Early Childhood Education and the need for play. Feel free to contact her with questions and concerns. Thank you, Helen, for your time and your work.
"I care for three children from one family on a casual basis. Most people would call this ‘babysitting’ but because of my professional work this is care giving; I practice building our connection at every opportunity.
The children are 9yrs, 5yrs and 13 months and I’ve known the family since the oldest was about 18 months when she attended the daycare facility I worked in. Their native language is not English but mum speaks English with a similar accent to mine = we sound alike. The oldest two are now fluent in English, the language of their school.
In the past few months I’ve started caring for the baby alone, maybe once a month or so, nothing regular. The parents are surprised at how he has adapted to being with me.
Every time I am with him things go smoothly but yesterday was exceptional.
I arrived around 9.30 am. (Mum wisely plans plenty of unrushed time to transition.) She and I greet each other warmly and talk to each other; she usually meets me with baby in arms so he and I have eye-to-eye contact – I always get a beautiful smile from him. Mum tells me about his sleep and most recent meal; the usual updates.
On leaving Mum hugs her baby and says “I’ll be back” and leaves calmly but promptly via the garage door exit i.e. he doesn’t have to watch her drive away (although that is my custom when caring for a child in my home, or if they could see the parent leaving).
Yes baby cried. I held him upright in my arms and walk slowly over to the big bright windows. There I tell him that his mummy will come back and that we will have time to play. Within a minute or two he’s calm and I give him the option of getting down – which he usually takes.
I always bring a handful of play objects from my collection. Here’s the current offering: (photo below – note how busy the rug is so it’s hard to see the objects – I prefer a white sheet). That lovely big rug is right next to floor length windows – outside there is plenty to see, lots of reflections, his father’s flowering plants and trees, and a fine view across the wide part of the river on a sunny day.
And there I sat for nearly 30 minutes. He amused himself just with these six play objects, and I observed.
Then I got up. He stopped playing (!) and went to sit on the edge of the fireplace, dragging his blanket. I picked him up and asked if he’d like a bottle. He watched me prepare it and I talked through what I was doing. We sat on the couch and he had a few ounces, then stopped. He didn’t slump into a sleepy state but I knew we were close to naptime (I wear a watch; mum had told me when naptime was).
I stood up with him and just gently paced by the window where we could see the peaceful outdoor environment. He squirmed a little and I said “I can’t put you down A. I have your blankets here (over my shoulder) and it’s time to rest.” His body physically relaxed at that point. He flopped a little and leaned on my shoulder and was definitely relaxed, I hummed a little tune, but his eyelids hadn’t dropped.
Then I asked myself if he might want to just lie on his floor bed and take himself off to sleep. I walked slowly to his room and told him I was going to lay him down. I laid him on his back…and there he calmly stayed; by then with his paci and hugging his blanket. No tears. I sat beside him on the floor, waiting.
It took about 10 mins for him to drop off to sleep all by himself. I didn’t move because: firstly I am a casual carer, secondly this was the first time I’d laid him down awake, and thirdly as a relatively new (to him) casual carer (but the only person the family uses) I feel very strongly that I am not going to do anything to destroy the trust that I am consciously building with him.
He ‘woke‘ after an hour, standing and crying. I went in to pick him up – he stopped crying. I held him and walked him into the living room and sat on the couch, giving him (I thought) time to wake up slowly. He fell back to sleep on my body on his blanket. Then I reflected that his parents had said that with two siblings at different schools sometimes his naps were interrupted.
We sat on the couch together for two more hours until he very slowly woke up. He changed position at different times. I just stayed still. It was wonderful to be part of this whole process. That was part of my learning and close observation of him. Had I laid him back on his bed he might have cried and being so early in this relationship I am not trying to ‘make my point’, just trying to connect and understand his needs.
After he was fully awake I offered a diaper change - he was smiling and calm. Then I walked with him in arms to the kitchen to see what he might like to eat. He pointed to the banana (Mum sets out snacks he might like). I put him in his high chair (family’s custom) and placed small bites of banana in front of him; he happily ate more than half the banana.
At that point mum came home. He did a slight wail ‘I want mummy’ and she promptly came and picked him up. He was all smiles.
This is a peaceful house. There is no TV on or music constantly playing – just the way I like it! I only use my phone to update mum if she enquires how things are going. I enjoy looking outside the windows so I believe my pleasure is conveyed to the child.
I am in no rush – my sole responsibility is to give the baby focused care.
I had time for a cup of tea and a bite to eat, and I swept the floor, while he slept. No housekeeping is required of my work but I do like to keep the floor tidy (sweeping, picking up toys or shoes) so that I know for sure the baby isn’t putting anything in their mouth. Plus I believe in modeling an orderly household.
Follow-up to one evening that same week.
I had all three children. I confirmed the oldests’ timelines with mum, and what else they might need to do before bedtime.
Children’s dinners were prepared – I fed the baby while talking to the oldest about an upcoming speech at school. The baby had a few ounces of a bottle, a diaper change and pajamas on, and then got down to play.
Parents came downstairs ready to leave. Mum picked up baby for a minute and then told the children she was leaving (Dad had already quickly said goodbye and was waiting in the car = no mass exit of parents!). She handed the baby to me and of course he cried.
I spoke to him and told him ‘mummy would be back’. He wriggled to be put down which I did. He was still crying and walked towards the front door. Then he stopped crying and I walked over to him, his blanket over my shoulder and my hands palms up. He put up his hands to be picked up and nestled his head on my shoulder.
Because he’d cried harder this time and I had the responsibility of the other two children I remained standing with him on my shoulder. Baby’s body was calm. But I didn’t yet know if sleep was coming or if he was just relaxed.
Then the 9 year old said “He’s asleep”. So I laid him on his back on his floor bed and he rolled to his side, asleep.
For the next hour I focused on the oldest two children; bedtime routine, etc.
After an hour baby woke up crying. As I went in he was walking back to his bed. I bent down and realized that he’d lost his pacifier. I found it and settled him again. No crying. He was still asleep at 10.15 pm when I left.
I’m certain that our sleep time early in the week paid off in developing his sense of security and connection."
Originally posted (2.17.16)